Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
