i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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