Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
