Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
