that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
do nipples grow back?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
