Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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