So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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