remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
