so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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