i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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