i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
