Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
