And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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