There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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