I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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