At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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