I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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