I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
