Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
