Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
My ATM looks so different sober.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
