i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
