I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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