11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
