I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
