Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
