You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
