No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
