This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
