Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
