I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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