why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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