what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
why do cheetos always look like penises
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
