Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
