my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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