20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
