Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
