why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
