there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
