Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
