My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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