I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
