Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
