Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
