Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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