Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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