I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
