i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
