Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
