if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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