I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
