You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
